You Left Me Thorns

Written by: Haneeza

Wearing a white silk nightgown, Jenar, a woman with blood dripping bit by bit from her right arm running barefoot with blisters covering the soles of her feet. Her pale lips trembled. Night was getting late in the middle of her escape. She always hates this big city full of people fighting fate, but dying on its street is far better than living in her own house. Her little feet walking along the pavement on the side of the main road, the yellowish-white street lights seemed to judge her short thoughts. She lamented her life along the way. She glanced at the ring with the waves carved on her finger. It's no longer the pounding and warm heart that she always felt, no longer the sacred object that witnesses marriage. Only hurt, only pain that wraps.

Jenar slowed down as she passed a small food stall by the side of the road. It wasn't the richness of the coffee aroma that caught her attention. Her eyes locked on a pair of teenagers sitting on the terrace of the food stall. The boy stroked the back of the girl's hand gently. She was completely clueless about what they were talking about, but the girl chuckled softly while patting her partner's shoulder. For a moment she couldn't even see their faces, only herself and her husband faded by the heavy smoke rising from that place. Jenar was almost running straight to catch the shadow of her husband. Grievously, with both hands she gripped the bottom of her own pajamas, trying to bring herself back to the senses. 

As she continued, a bus stop caught her attention. The dim lighting made her keep her distance. The smell of urine wafted from the surrounding grass, scribbles of obscene words from spray paint decorated the pillars. Mother's voice echoed in her ears: we could trust nothing from Jakarta at night. Raindrops obscured her vision, at a glance she saw three men sitting at the bus stop. One of them wore a blue vest, while two of them wore black jackets. The smell of cigarettes wafted from the three of them. Parked three battered motorbikes near to their place, it looks like they provided traditional driver service. Whether it was just her feelings, but out of the corner of her eyes, she could catch their eyes staring at her soaked body. The one in the blue vest started chuckling softly while talking near his friend's ear until one of them let out a whistle. 

"Hey, young lady. Where are you going at this hour? Want me to take you home?" asked a man in a blue vest with a grin.

A feeling of uneasiness enveloped her. The whistling before was enough to make her feel like it was stripping her naked. Now, she has to hear some disquieting words from their mouths. 

Obviously Jenar was reluctant to answer them. She only turned slightly while shaking her head, hoping that they understood her. However, after the distance between the bus stop and herself was quite far, there was a roar of laughter coming from them. “She must have left the hotel near the intersection. The cheap one. Maybe she didn't get paid by the client or got caught by the client’s wife, hahaha!” 

It scratched her heart. Tonight feels like slaughtering her. Endless stream of men treating her like a trash bag. Not to mention her cell phone that kept ringing from the pocket of her damp pajama pants. Road signs only made her more fed up considering she had been in this position under different conditions. The sun was shining bright at that time; the sidewalks were full of people with their busy lives, hands were clasped and didn't swing by themselves. How can the life she lived before feel like a beautiful dream and now she has to feel a reality that is actually worse than a nightmare.

⸻

The cell phone screen lights up every time there is an incoming call and shows eleven o'clock at night. Her head looked up, reading the words "Jalan Kemang II" which was on the green sign to the right of the road. She could see the ivory white house was still the same. What she hopes for right now is not the house as her shelter, but the figure that she misses in that house. Her best friend lives in that house. Jenar was no longer beating so fast. The feeling of anxiety gradually left her body. She approached the house, the wooden fence had not been closed tightly. The light from within was still peeking through the cracks. The sound of a car engine losing to the raging rain could still be heard. A split second of hesitation tugged at her collar, embarrassment creeping up her legs. Somehow she still has a face after only leaving a shadow to the owner of the house for so long. 

Footsteps getting closer, curling fingers want to close the fence. Two pairs of eyes meet. One frowned under the umbrella, the other shivered; attacked by the rain. It was as if struck by lightning, the owner of the house was pretty shocked knowing that her "friend" who had been missing for a month suddenly appeared in front of her in a pitiful condition. Jenar rushed into the arms of her best friend, Mailera. Her cheeks warmed, touching the moss green sweater. Apparently, this 26-year-old dark-haired woman in front of her still likes her birthday present from 3 years ago. She could see her friend's lips slightly open from the corner of her eyes, but closed again. 

She pushed Jenar’s back slowly while rubbing her right shoulder with the other hand. “Oh, hell no, why are you? Ugh.. come in first. I don't want to accept a dying woman," she said. 

Mailera gave a thick white towel and warm less sugar tea—Jenar’s favorite tea. She made sure that her “unexpected” guest was sitting comfortably on the leather sofa that dominated her living room. Yet the warm atmosphere inside can't overcome Jenar's fear of what's out there, looking for her. 

"Have you told your husband that you are leaving the house at this hour?" Mailera asked while placing a basin filled with warm water in front of Jenar's feet, which were turning red from running barefoot. 

The first reply was a shake of the head. Brown eyes that looked empty were covered with a chuckle that escaped from her mouth. Jenar even covered her injured arm with a towel. She thought to herself: A little lie won’t hurt her, isn’t it?

"He's working out of town. Besides, Ali won't let his three months pregnant wife walk through the rain alone at night," Jenar answered in a low voice.

Mailera took a position on her right, she folded her hands in front of her chest. Her eyes were demanding, still thirsty for answers. Looking at her clumsy best friend, she couldn't help but sigh. She cast her gaze forward to her favorite painting on the wall that could be sure to cost hundreds of millions. What a precious life being as an independent woman, living a life without having to be bound forever with a man; at least that's what Jenar had in mind.

"We've been friends for five years, Jenar. From the beginning I arrived in Jakarta until one month ago before you somehow couldn't be contacted, and even during that time I am still your friend. Still don't want to believe me and won’t tell me anything?” Mailera asked her persistently.

The question was obviously very piercing, but not in a bad way. Mailera showed her disappointment and her sadness because she felt she had failed as a friend. As Jenar rested her head on Mailera's shoulder, she closed her tired eyes. They both felt the momentary silence that filled the whole luxurious room until the glint in her eyes changed. 

“I disappeared for a month, just like you said. One month was more than enough to gather consciousness that I might have lost. That one month was more painful than all the years with him. That one month was longer than the happiness in my marriage to Ali. I thought, maybe it's just a challenge to a married couple. Maybe Ali never intended to betray me and my parents after he promised he would take care of me forever. But the truth is.. I have lost it,” Jenar said while biting her lower lip.

Mailera turned to her so suddenly that Jenar's head slipped from her shoulder. She frowned as she stared deeply. "What do you mean?" she asked in a slightly raised voice.

Like burning coals, Jenar couldn't hold back anymore. She squeezed the towel that was on her thigh while hitting it hard. Like a wilted rose, her shoulders can't stay straight anymore. She supported her head with both palms placed on the forehead. Tears vying to fall unstoppable. “Yes, he’s still with me, Mai. But my Ali is gone, I don't know him anymore. The man who lives under the same roof as me has turned into a monster who is dissatisfied with eating the body of his prey, tricking the mind of his prey. I thought he had changed as a whole person. Yet I still vividly remember how her female co-worker were treated like a queen. He held her hand, while he was using his own hand to hurt his own wife.”

Sobs became the voice that dominated the entire room. “I am her damn wife, Mai. His life partner. For God’s sake.. how could a bottle of poison be worth more than a priceless promise? How could that be?" she asked in a voice that almost disappeared at the end of the sentence.

Their fingers intertwined. Mailera stroked the back of Jenar's hand. As an individual, she couldn't say that she felt the same way when she never did. But as a fellow woman with physical abilities that are not much different, of course she was sad and hurt to see her own friend like this. She swiftly helped Jenar to clean herself. Leaving "dirt" she brought from home and the street. By deftly trying to fulfill what Jenar needs right now. Washing the wounds that should never be painted. The clear water turns red. The contents of the basin turned into a pool of blood within seconds. Tears dripped into the basin, merging with the blood. 

She squeezed the towel one last time before wrapping Jenar’s arm. She said bitterly, "I never thought that an almost perfect woman like you had to live in the devil's cage," "let him go, Nar. You don't have to suffer for the rest of your life with him. If holding on can only hurt you, then there is nothing better than living alone.”

⸻

And the three men I admire most

The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost

They caught the last train for the coast

The day the music died ♫

That old song played at a low volume in the taxi. Throughout the trip, Jenar only clutched her pajamas which were no longer dirty to her chest. Her eyes closed and a breath escaped from her mouth. She decided to no longer run away from the problems, even though Mailera repeatedly held her back; afraid that something might happen. Jenar kept shaking her head while hugging her only best friend before she left and she said, “You know me the best, don't you think so? Before I became pathetic like this, I was always strong and brave. It's just a moment. I won't be hurt anymore. We’ll go to our favorite coffee shop after this, okay?”

She leaned her head against the car window, looking at a row of familiar houses. Oh, Mr. Hasan has arrived in front of Mrs. Gita's house. I guess It won't be long before another buyer comes to find some fresh vegetables with affordable prices. Well, we got Jackie in the next house; I think she’s waiting for her dad to take her to school. I miss seeing them every morning.

As the taxi slowed down, her body leaned forward peeking over the driver's shoulder. She has arrived. So she showed her phone screen to the driver while saying, “I have already paid with an e-wallet, sir. Thank you.” 

She gets down from the taxi with a heavy chest. Hastened her walk into her own yard while stabbing her own palms with long fingernails to try not to be nervous. Shaking slightly, sweat dripped from her forehead. Her cheeks were hot, her heart was pounding. She stared at the door made of merbau wood in front of her. She pressed the bell on the right side of the door. Before the echoing sound of the bell had finished, someone opened the door roughly. She didn’t even have time to open her mouth, the man from that house had already taken Jenar into his arms. It’s her husband, Ali. He hugged her so tightly that her body almost fell backwards. Fake tears rolled down Jenar's shoulders, no sobs. She knew very well that those claws would only dig deeper into her, tricking her again. One warm sentence will send her back to his prison. 

As his embrace loosened, she pushed the taller male figure away from her. She tugged at the collar of his office shirt, then snorted in disgust right in front of his face as their distance closed. “I want a divorce," she said, emphasizing each word. 

Her words successfully changed the look on Ali's face. He was like a dog that had lost its master less than a minute ago, now he looked as if he was a wild animal that saw a prey an inch from his fangs. He tugged his wife's wrist, then threw his cell phone to the poor woman's right cheek. It hit Jenar's cheekbone.

"Why are you so angry if you don't love me anymore? You don’t want it to be over so you can take your side chicks home every night? Or do you still love me, Al?” she asked aloud.

Ali cupped his wife's cheeks while looking at her paltrily. “You're just a poor, ugly, and unbelievably stupid wife! You who beg every time we have a problem, beg for us to stay together. How can you survive out there without me? You've quit your job after marrying me. How will you live without me?" asked Ali in a cocky tone.

Jenar gets rid of his husband's wrists while pointing her finger right in front of his face. "All this time you're the one who took my life away from me. You make me die slowly. I'm just trying and keep trying so we can both stay together and have a better life. Obviously I gave up the life I wanted because I was blinded by the love of a man I didn't expect to be anything more than a scumbag!” she answered without hesitation.

His eyes seemed to be fiery looking at her, his hands clenched into fists. She knew very well that no one could help her at this point. Ali walked towards her with a bright red hellish face. Jenar immediately ran towards the fence while trying to use her cell phone to contact Mailera and her parents. She just needed to leave this place. 

Just as her skinny fingers reached for the railing latch, the man who legally was still her husband pulled her hair. Her body was slammed until pain radiated down to her tailbone. She tried to kick Ali's leg, but her leg was caught. She didn't know how far he had dragged her. However, her head hit the edge of the minimalist fish pond that adorns the right side of the yard. No matter how much she dodged, covered her face, dragged her body away from there. Ali was never tired of throwing his fists. Though she had smacked his mouth until the corners of his lips were bleeding slightly, this man was naturally a beast that hadn't eaten for a thousand years; not that easy for him to let go of his prey.

Jenar screamed when half of her body was already entering the house, being dragged by Ali. The squeak between the floor and her skin was deafening. Her eyes widened when Ali closed the door of their house. “No, love, please!”

Blood came out of the blisters on her face which were no longer beautiful, ruined by the ferocity of her significant other. She didn't let go of that gaze in her husband's eyes, exploring every point on his face. Looking for a figure she loved for years. Hope he comes back, even if just for a while. The rest of the energy she had could only reach Ali's hand, to feel the wedding ring which was still on his finger.

When Ali stopped for a few seconds, that's where Jenar opened her voice. A gentle voice that never changes. “If our baby survives, I beg you not to hurt her. I know there is still kindness in your heart and tenderness in your heart to take care of our baby. Sorry that I failed as your wife.”

She looked into his eyes one last time while coughing up blood. She was still looking for the man she loves for years until her breath seemed to have stopped in her throat. Her head felt light, her ears were buzzing. Soar free like a baby bird that successfully flew from its cage, she finally left her cage too. Ali lost someone who loved him sincerely forever. Mailera lost her soulmate forever. Don’t even ask for her parents. They lost the love of their life. No matter how long they waited, the only daughter they had would never come back.

And they were singing bye-bye, Miss American Pie

Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry

And them good old boys were drinking whiskey and rye

Singing, "This'll be the day that I die"

This will be the day that I die… ♫